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Monday, March 17, 2014

Charge of the Putin Brigade

With apologies to Lord Tennyson's "Charge of the Light Brigade":
"Forward, the Big Bad Bear!"
Is Vlad so unaware?
Not tho' the Leader knows
He might have blunder'd:
His not to hesitate,
His not to sit and wait,
His to spawn war and hate:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the Black Hundreds.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Gematria and Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Can gematria (Hebrew numerology) help find Malaysia Airlines Flight 370? You can calculate numerical values for entire Hebrew words by simply adding the values of each letter in them. Using this method, I have come up with the following phrase with a value of 370, the number of the Malaysia Airlines flight:
This means: "They stole [it]. The passengers are alive." Let's hope this is really so! For those who are interested, here's how gematria works. A numerical value is assigned to each Hebrew letter, with the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet, aleph, corresponding to one, the second letter, beth, corresponding to 2, and so on through yod, the tenth letter, corresponding to ten. The eleventh letter, kaph, corresponds to twenty, the twelfth, lamed, to thirty, and so on up to kuph, the nineteenth letter, which corresponds to one hundred; followed by resh, the twentieth letter, which corresponds to two hundred, shin, the twenty-first letter, three hundred, and taph, the twenty-second and final letter, to four hundred. If you've seen the Hebrew year, currently 5774, written out in Hebrew letters, that is done using this method. But there's no value anywhere near as high as five thousand, so the four letters you've seen, as shown below, only add up to 774. The five thousand is assumed. (And for the Hebrew-reading cognoscenti, the apostrophe marks are put before the final letter to indicate that this grouping of letters is not an actual word. The same method is used for acronyms in modern Hebrew.)

Friday, March 7, 2014

A Pyrrhic Czar

With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan, a song for Vlad "The Crimea Impaler" Putin:

Oh, better far to spite the world
With challenges flung and curses hurled,
Than play a hypocritical part,
With a Soviet head and a Soviet heart.
Away to Turtle Bay go you,
Where pirates all are lawyers, too;
But I’ll be true to that old Red Star,
And live and die a Pyrrhic Czar.

For I am a Pyrrhic Czar!
And it is, it is the best by far
To be a Pyrrhic Czar!

(Chorus): You are!
Hurrah for our Pyrrhic Czar!
Hurrah for our Pyrrhic Czar!

(To the tune of "Oh, Better Far To Live And Die" from Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Pirates of Penzance")

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Leaking

Following the latest leaks by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, the spy agency admitted that it does, in fact, have cameras posted in every bathroom ceiling in America. The White House defended "Operation MetaDUMP," pointing out that terrorists could be plotting in the john, and that the government only needs to know how long everybody is spending in the can. "No one is watching you crap," President Obama assured Americans, adding with a chuckle, "though you folks do use an awful lot of toilet paper!"