Passover Bellyachin'

I am eating peanut butter on my matzah, which according to Jackie makes me a "bad Boo" because peanuts are kitniyot, which according to the fanatical and illogical custom of our Ashkenazi Jewish ancestors may not be eaten on Passover. I have declared myself Sephardi Jewish for this holiday, based on my grandmother's folk etymology of her father's original family name of Rapoport as being derived from rofeh, Hebrew for doctor, and puerto, Spanish for port--being "doctors of the port" we must have come from Valencia or somewhere.
If I am wrong, of course, my punishment shall be as one who forgets Jerusalem: "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, may my tongue cleave to the roof of mouth" (Psalms 137:5).